| Mopety Mope LJ post. |
[Mar. 31st, 2009|09:33 pm] |
So yeah, in true fashion, I only utilize the lj when I'm in hermit mode. I've been home for three days after getting the letter saying that I have to complete my classes by April 15th, and I haven't gotten anything done. Be forewarned, this is one of those crazy drug-induced mind jumpy lj entries that I do.
I also have no one to talk to about all of this. It's my own fault. I've never really been a, "hey friend, I'm freaking out, care to put your own life aside and chat?" kind of person. I much prefer to stew, have a breakdown, put myself into a Klonopin induced coma and deal with it all the next day. Or blame my mother for being emotionally unavailable. Always fun, right? I have to get out of her house. It's honestly like I'm living with a roommate who occasionally takes my car for an oil change. I guess she means well? But when I tell her something's wrong or I'm upset, her first words are, "Did you tell Dr. York?" Great. Leave the parenting to the therapist. I'm getting worse and worse at doing the "on my own" thing, and I don't think that bodes well for my future. But at the same time, I don't have a clue what I want to do to change it. Ingratiate myself in the lives of my friends that I'm rapidly losing touch with even though we all live in the same city? Call on one of my bizarre new acquaintances that I never talk to in person, only through Facebook or IM? (Side note: I need friends my own age or within 5 years of my age. Tired of the 24+ crowd. Tired.) I'm doing the circling of the drain thing again, except this time I don't think there's an escape hatch in the form of home schooling and starting the year over.
I'm tired. and exhausted. Which is slightly redundant, but whatevs. I get to dress up and go see Swing tomorrow, but I honestly don't want to see any of the teachers there. They've all either let me down or gotten far too all up in my business. I want to go back about 3 months and do everything differently. Considering I can't do that, I guess it's up to me to not lose my present while I'm wallowing in the past. ugh. Mental rambling always leads me to a zen-like conclusion. Thanks again, lj. you're a pal.
{P.S.- Perhaps I should write more. about non-mopey things. maybe if it helps when I'm hermit-y, it can help me not get hermit-y. Discuss. [Not really. please don't.]} |
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| Well damn it. |
[Feb. 27th, 2009|08:12 am] |
Dude. Dude. Seriously.
I just watched the trailers for After the Storm. I don't think I want anyone to associate the girl I was then with the person I am now. How I got from there to here is unfathomable to me. I wish I could go back and use that film every day to motivate me to fucking do something with my life. It's heartbreaking for me to think about that time and the things I wanted and the goals I had. Especially when I compare them with now. I honestly do not know if I'm ever gonna want to actually watch that film. Or talk about it with other people. I was so focused and I knew what I wanted. Now I'm just a pinball. Aimless and moving too fast for my own good.
I think I looked back to try to see something in myself and spark some great upheaval or surge of emotion or desire, but nope. Still don't know what the fuck I want to do. I could go back to MT, but I don't think that's it. Tara says I should just keep doing what makes me happy, but I don't even know what that would be. I feel like I'm letting everyone who put so much time and money and effort into Once On This Island down. They tried to give me so much and now I'm sitting here, on my ass.
Now I'm gonna try to go and graduate high school in a relatively normal amount of time. |
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| More of my good mood |
[Jul. 14th, 2008|10:36 pm] |
I really am a little bit crazy. my lj posts are just nonsensical cursing and a montage of my random half-celeb crushes. (Whataboutadam on youtube. look him up)
matty was supposed to come over and make my first youtube vlog with me today, but that didn't happen. I should really just do it myself, but I'm ascared. I'll try something once I wash my hair. can't go on the youtube looking grody.
If you haven't, check out the revue this youtube videos, made by yours truly, at my channel themissarose, and the other channel, nolynproductions.
Linkety links: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8K0aL-hTrM0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QjBnVjnq9c |
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| Uhm, the present? |
[Jul. 14th, 2008|10:23 pm] |
I'm not a bad person. I do bad things, I'm not pretending I don't, but I am not a bad person.
It's good to finally believe that, but it's sad that nothing's actually changed.
Instead of being upset, now I'm just paranoid.
I now understand the meaning of "Ignorance is Bliss." I took that for granted.
On the one hand, I'm glad that I know. On the other...I'm not.
---------
Whoa. did I ever post that? I'm so bipolar. I don't think I ever feel the same way for more than 12 hours. I should check before I post it again, but I ain't gonna. nope. nopers.
I have been keeping track of my positive things... kind of. just not on the lj. it's exhausting. I'm hoping that maybe if I lj more, it will lead me to youtube more. I'm falling head over heels for the youtube, and I blame matt armato.
New personal goal: Gain 10 pounds of muscle and get up to 120 without feeling like a cow. I enjoy fitness. A lot. Also, when I set goals where my body is concerned, I tend not to look at it as critically, which is weird and a little bit backwardsian. [addendum note to self: buy a scale. I should not go to the doctor's so often that that's how I know how much I weigh. a healthy ashley is a... an ashley with more time on her hands??? a healthy ashley is an independently weighed ashley.]
I am in a very good place right now. the ladies at work keep me sane and bring me down to earth, because I work with some crazies. I like the job though. it's just stressful enough to remind me that I belong in a dance studio and not STANDING AROUND FOR 7 HOURS A DAY. I need to run! I need to leap! I need to bend myself into funny shapes that freak people out! I'm actually working 4-9 tomorrow and wednesday, so come on out to amc clearview, see wanted or wall-e and come visit me! hellboy 2 is really good as well. I hope we get a dark knight and a mama mia screening. that would make me very happy. we're supposed to, but there's really no telling.
Positive Thing 7-14-08: I beat rock band on medium drums. very proud of myself.
[[I'm in a random "just post what you're thinking" mood. I need a new lj icon. someone just give me one, otherwise it's back to the old annie movie icons with cheno and victor garber. |
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| Positive Things |
[Jun. 21st, 2008|10:44 pm] |
Positive Thing 6/20: I made 14 crowns at work today! If I get to 100, I get two paid 8-hour weekend shifts off. Saving that up for a show. it takes a lot of time, but 14 in one day is a pretty famazing start.
Positive Thing 6/21: Uhm... I had fried pickles? Yes, that is a positive thing. I love fried pickles.
Today was a pretty good day, in the sense that nothing really happened. I'm doubting a decision I made. I don't think I'm strong enough to follow through with it. I know in my heart that it's for the better, but it's very difficult to keep up with and exhausting to carry out. I hid today. Like a toddler. Plus I'm kind of letting it control my life. That's all. |
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| Positive Things |
[Jun. 20th, 2008|03:37 am] |
So, at the suggestion of Tara, who is essentially now my guru, I am going to keep track of one positive thing from every day. Fa reals. Every day. Something positive. With no negative aspects allowed.
The first major one I noticed was yesterday, or by now, day before yesterday, the 18th. Lizz was playing around with scrap fabric from the stepsisters' dresses and I said, "Oh! oh! Give me a bow! I want a bow!" So, she tied a purple piece of chiffon-esque fabric around my head and I had a bow.
PT 6/18: I love the way obnoxiously large bows look on the side of my head. If they happen to function as headbands, all the better.
Today, or yesterday, since it's almost 4am, was the opening night of Cinderella at St. Luke's. I did two heads full of pin curls and did a mad dash to find "missing" gloves that weren't really missing at all. I got all dressied up when I knew fully that I was going to sit backstage for 3 hours then go to Bennigan's at the end of the night. Even though the show had its messtastic moments, I was still so proud to be called up on stage as a choreographer and stand next to Scott and Michael.
PT 6/19: I love being part of the creative team of a show. I love hand sewing costumes, pin curling hair, finding lost items, and dancing sparkly dances for little kids that obvi couldn't care less. There's nothing better than getting to watch it all come together. |
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| First Day O'Work |
[Jun. 14th, 2008|12:27 am] |
I. Am. So. Flipping. Tired.
Do me and a bunch of my new friends a favor. Whenever you go to the movies, just take your trash out with you and dump it in the lovely garbage cans that you have to pass on your way out. It saves a lot of stooping/walking/sweeping time for me and my usher buddies.
Today was my first day of work. I walked and swept and bent and made friends from 6:30-11:00. Repeat tomorrow, repeat sunday. I'm making dat money. Hopefully I'll get le switched to box office for at least one of those other shifts. Hopefully.
Summer session is over and I am actually slightly sad to see it go. Granted, my body can't physically handle the stress of a full day of Nocca, but the little babies were not half bad. And the combos were fierce, as per use. It should be interesting to see what everyone looks like in August. My senior class is getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Nervous making. Very nervous making.
Exhausted. I need to do more cardio. |
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| Alright. |
[May. 25th, 2008|03:56 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Alicia Keys... some awkward song about Teenage Love. | ] |
So. Here's the deal. I'm in a very interesting place right now. It's almost 4am on a Sunday. At 10 I have to go with my mother to help her design our new kitchen because we're moving back to the East sometime before I become a Canadian resident. But at this time, I have had a revelation.
I don't trust people. I don't want to trust people. Therefore, I do not. I don't expect things from people and I force them back. That being said, even at this pushed back distance, some people's shit manages to fly through that wall and affect me nonetheless. That is not fair. What is the point of me being an island if everyone else has speedboats? What's the point of building a wall if all your enemies have dynamite?
Moving right along, I've decided to drop the wall. I think it's caused more hurt than anything else, and it's more healthy for me to deal with problems head on rather than trying to make them go away by ignoring them. I don't know what the effects will be as of right now, as this revelation is new, but I am determined to be the change. I'm gonna be better. Healthier. I'm going to ask for help when I need it, and trust that other people can handle their shit without my interference. I'm speaking to you right now. I've tried to help you, I've tried to warn you, I guess you didn't get it. I wasn't really expecting you to. I hope you don't get hurt, but I hope you learn a valuable lesson.
4am philosopical rant=done.
Happier note: Tyler Oakley. Favorite. YouTube blogger. Ever. Look him up.
Also: Verboten Liebe. German soap featuring the prettiest gays: Christian and Oliver. Look them up as well. Christian looks like Cary Elwes.
I have been inspired to start my own vlog. maybe. if I get the nerve up. it's probably just something else to keep me from writing my AP Euro History paper, but I think it could help. I need an outlet.
Finally:
Collegiate loves and those who hath moved away, come home to me. Stay in my house, gossip with me, party with me. The summertime is for all of you that I rarely get to see, and I'm gonna make it worth it. Calls me up, we'll hang. Forget about real life, it doesn't exist in New Orleans. Unless you're preggo. In that case, sorry. Didn't mean to loudcap you. |
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| VH1 Classic, You Never Let Me Down. |
[Feb. 6th, 2008|08:38 pm] |
Today, I played a day full of Sims and watched Classic 60 Minutes-Tina Turner. I adore her. I want to BE her. Nothing stopped her, she's still crazy happy, and at 60(something) she still looks gorgeous. This is the most recent of gifts granted to me by my favorite thing, VH1 Classic. Pop-up video-Jackson Edition and 6 hours of The Who footage are among the gift list. Also, Radio Free Roscoe at 2:00, the only good thing coming from a full-time "The-N" channel. Nathan Stephenson, please come here from Canadia and be my best friend... with benefits. Lots of steamy, steamy benefits.
Life is not kind. At all. I'm over it a lot, but unfortunately, that doesn't change anything. I wish you understood, that's what I go through every day. I need to catch a break of some kind soon. I don't know what to do, but I feel trapped. You do not understand, and it's only getting worse. Interlochen soon. Maybe. Hopefully.
On a side note, I'm proud of my strength, emotionally, not physically. I'm proud of my coping abilities and I'm proud of the way that I live. It may not be healthy, but I survive, and I'm proud of that too. So please, dearest, do not critique my personality when your own is oh so very flawed and lacking in all things required to make an adult. Be a big kid, stop hand-holding and crying over spilled fucking milk.
Now, I'm gonna go learn two minutes of Moliere prose. |
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| I am... |
[Jan. 7th, 2008|09:52 pm] |
tired. Completely and utterly tired. I need to chillax with the competitiveness.Is that a word? Whatevs.
I got my car! A Rav4 named Stevie. She is quite androgynous and I love her for it. you should too. We've been taking over Esplanade, Carrolton, Orleans, Harrison, and Vets ever since Saturday. Eventually I'll drive somewhere other than franklin, nocca, or my house, but I'm in no hurry. New Starbucks isn't going anywhere. and maybe by the time I drive, they'll have real fucking sugar and I won't have to drop in lumps of brown cane into my cappucinos.
I just spent entirely too much time contemplating how to sneak what I want to say to you into an lj entry. That is completely indicative of our relationship. Which saddens me. |
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mizarose's journal